Perfectly Matched

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Because each of my interviews with future clients is essentially a teachable moment, keeping a diary allows my clients and others a unique perspective into the constantly evolving world of dating and relationships. By reading about what others set as their expectations and desires for their future relationships each of us is afforded the opportunity to personally reflect on what it is we want for ourselves. Enjoy!

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Dear Donna: May 17th, 2018

Dear Donna,

A man I have been dating for about two months invited me to join him on a trip to San Francisco. I would like to go but we are not intimate and I don’t feel comfortable sharing a room with him. I told him I would love to go but I would want to have my own room. He tried to talk me into a room with two beds but I am not comfortable with that either. He agreed to book another room, and then he asked me to pay for it. I said I would but now I am having second thoughts. Do you think I should pay for my own room? Glenda

Dear Glenda,

I think it is probably too soon to take a trip with him under these circumstances, depending on the expectations each of you might have about this trip. Are you going to be resentful about paying for your room? Is he going to be resentful that you are not willing to share a room with him? Is he thinking there might be intimacy and you are not? The two of you should have a conversation about your expectations and see if they are compatible before you take the trip. Don’t wait until you get to San Francisco to talk about it.

Dear Donna,

Apparently I have fallen in love with a married woman. We have been seeing each other for several months and she never told me she was married. She said I never asked and I didn’t, because there was nothing about her lifestyle that would have indicated to me she was married. She does not have kids and we spent a ton of time together, her place and mine.
Her husband lives in another state and is not a part of her life. She said it was too complicated to get a divorce and neither one of them was motivated to do it. I am not sure how to handle this. Ramon

Dear Ramon,

I think most couples who have been dating for several months and spent “a ton of time together” would have had the conversation about past relationships, and certainly past marriages. I do think it is a little odd that it never came up in conversation but unless it changes the way you feel about her, you don’t have to do anything. If she is also in love with you she might be motivated to do something about it in the future.

What Makes Perfectly Matched Different from Other Dating Services?

So what makes your service different from other dating services? I wish I had a dime for every time someone has asked me that question.
Today is a great way to explain how my service is different.

It started with four voice messages left on my answering machine.

The first message was from a client who wanted me to call a man she had dated for just a couple of weeks. They met and saw each other eight times in two weeks and she was very excited about him. He was not feeling the same excitement and started backing off with the phone calls and texting.

She “got it” and decided to move on. However, she had left something at his place and he returned it to her place of employment with a note. She did not want to reconnect with him so she asked me to call him and tell him she appreciated him returning her item and let him know all was well with her and she hoped as was well with him too. I called him and he understands she has no interest to reconnect with him.

The lesson here? The ones that start fast, end fast. Don’t get too excited too quickly about someone you barely know.

Number two: A man who has dated a lady for three months and realizes that her lifestyle is not compatible with his. He wanted to know how he should let her know without hurting her feelings because he thinks she has become very attached to him. I told him to put himself in her place and think about how he would want her to tell him if the situation was reversed. He said “I would want her to be honest with me.” I told him to talk to her in person, no phone call, no email, no text. Three months deserves a face to face conversation.

The lesson here? Whenever you find yourself in a situation where you are unsure of how the other person will react, put yourself in their place and think about how you would want to be treated, and do it in person.

Number three: A female client who met a man who said he was 5’10. She said “He is not 5’10, he is barely my height (5’8). Men are so funny, why do they lie about their height?” Because men know most women prefer tall men, just as women know most men prefer ladies who are not overweight. Therefore, men have a tendency to over estimate their height and women have a tendency to under estimate their weight.

The lesson here? You can only over estimate height or under estimate weight to a point.

Number four: A client met a lady on his own asked her to take the profile test he took to see how her scores compare to his. I scored her test and called him him the differences. They were off in two out of six areas, which can sometimes work, but the two areas they were off in were conformity and religion, which usually go hand-in- hand. She is much more conforming and religious than him. He had already sensed those differences and the test confirmed it.

The lesson here? Stay focused on the importance of compatibility in a relationship.

This is how my phone calls go everyday because I am a Matchmaker and I do more coaching and counseling than matchmaking. My service is very personalized and I really get to know my clients.

It bears repeating once more because I continue to hear from people who confuse my service with a company that started advertising about a year ago in Colorado Springs. Initially they called themselves Colorado Springs Professional Matchmakers, saying they have over 20 years of matchmaking experience in Colorado Springs. They have since changed their name to Colorado Springs Matchmakers.

Google BC Matchmakers, which stands fo British Columbia Matchmakers, and the owner Shane Weisberg to learn more about this company and it’s owner. He is based out of Vancouver, Canada and there is nothing local about him or his company. You can also check out his BBB page in Vancouver which is revoked, and his BBB page in Colorado Springs which has an alert warning on it.

In the 27 years I have been in business this is the third time he has been in Colorado Springs. The first two times were in the 90’s and the mid 2000’s with a now defunct dating service called Together. Each time he lasted about a year.

Take my free profile test and I will personally call you with your scores, or call me at 719-260-1000. Once I meet with you I will know how many matches I have for you.

Dear Donna May 8th, 2018

Dear Donna,

 

The man I have dated for a year decided to end our relationship but he wants to remain friends. He says he loves everything about me but he is not feeling the passion he wants to feel.

Do you think it is possible to “just be friends” when a romantic relationship has ended? Sara

 

Dear Sara,

 

Unless the agreement to end the relationship is mutual, it can be difficult and awkward to try to “just be friends”.

The person who chooses to end the relationship usually has an easier time moving on than the person who does not choose to end the relationship, that would be you. Trying to “just be friends” with him will keep you from being emotionally available to move on with someone who WILL feel passion for you.

 

Dear Donna,

 

A lady I have dated for six months keeps reminding how hurt she was in her last relationship. She trusted him and he cheated on her. I told her I have never cheated in a relationship and I never would but I feel like I am being kept at arms length until, what? She believes me or she doesn’t? How long should I wait? Mark

 

Dear Mark,

 

Communication, communication, talk to her. You are guilty by association simply because you are a man. It makes no sense to stay in a relationship with someone who keeps reminding you how much someone else hurt her. Tell her you are sorry she was hurt but that was him, not you. Six months is long enough.

 

Dear Donna April 23rd, 2018

Dear Donna,

I have been dating a lady for almost a year and I feel like she is constantly calling me to task for something I have done that displeases her. I have made some of the adjustments she asked for, like calling more often, taking the initiative to make plans for things to do, but when I asked her about cooking a meal for me she says “cooking is not my thing”.

Frankly, as much as I like her, I am getting a little tired of her knocking the wind out of my sails over one thing after another. Is there a nice way to tell her to knock it off? Tony

 

Dear Tony,

Have you told her you feel like she continues to knock the wind out of your sails? I think it is more important to communicate how you are feeling than trying to be nice about it.

Tell her you don’t like it, and you are going to let her know the next time she does it so you can talk about it when it happens.

Maybe you are being too nice and you need to stand up for yourself and be direct with her, like she is being with you.

 

Dear Donna,

My brother continues to date attractive ladies who need to be rescued financially. He is not the best looking guy and it seems worth it to him to pay for everything they want just to have them in his life.

I am tired of these ladies taking advantage of him and breaking his heart. How can I help him see the light? Tiffany

 

Dear Tiffany,

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Men are very visual and your brother is not the only man with unrealistic physical expectations willing to rescue someone financially to have a pretty lady in his life. A client shared a quote with me recently that you could share with your brother that might make him think about changing his focus.

“If you save a damsel in distress, you will end up with a distressed damsel.”

Dear Donna March 22, 2018

Dear Donna,

How do you learn to trust again? And again? Twice now I have given my heart to two women I truly expected to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I had all my bases covered the second time around and I still got blindsided. Now every time I meet someone and she says what a nice guy I am, or how attractive I am, or how she can’t wait to see me, I think “I’ve heard that before” and it sounds like déjà vu all over again. How do I get past this? Mark

Dear Mark,

I don’t know how long your relationship lasted but basically it takes about one month for every year you were in a relationship to get in the right frame of mind to move one. Of course, the person who chooses to end the relationship usually has an easier time moving on than the person who did not want it to end. Ask yourself if you are in the right frame of mind to meet someone new. Would you want to meet a lady who is in the same place as you are emotionally? You don’t want to make everyone guilty by association the minute they say or do something your ex did, it could be coming from a very different place. You might need some more time before you try to start dating again.

Dear Donna,

I have been dating a man for a few months and I liked that we were taking it slow and getting to know each other as friends. On our last date he told me he thinks we should be exclusive and not date other people. I told him I was not dating anyone else but I am not ready to be exclusive. He said I must not be as interested in him as he is in me and if I cannot agree to being exclusive he wants to stop seeing me. I told him I needed some time to think about it and he told me to call him when I make up my mind. Then he left and I have not heard from him in a week. I am disappointed but reluctant to reach out to him because I still can’t say I want to be exclusive. Should I just let him go? Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Probably. Anyone who puts you in a position of “do this or else” is not being fair, or considerate of your feelings. He drew the line in the sand, left and has not connected with you in a week. I would not reach out to him and if he does not contact you, that’s it. If he does contact you, I suggest you meet personally to discuss it, no texting or email. Eyeball to eyeball and you might both learn something that will benefit you as you continue to date. Your lesson here could be to not allow anyone to put you in a place of “do this or else”.

Dear Donna March 21st, 2018 – Part II

Dear Donna,

I am dating a man I find very attractive except for his teeth. Everything about him is immaculate, except for his teeth. They are discolored and he could benefit from a couple of veneers or caps on his front two teeth. Is there a nice way to tell him he needs to do something about his teeth? Laura

Dear Laura,

I don’t have to give the “teeth talk” as often as I did years ago because most people are aware that nice teeth are a huge plus when it comes to appearance. Both men and women notice teeth more than almost any other physical feature.
Tell him you find him attractive and you think his smile would be so much brighter if he whitened his teeth.
Many people see a difference with the strips you can buy in the grocery store but if it takes a trip to the dentist to get the desired results, it could be one of the best investments he will ever make. And I bet he will love it!

Dear Donna March 21st, 2018

Dear Donna,

My girlfriend cheated on me and now she wants me back. We were together for four years and I was devastated when she told me she was in love with a coworker. I have spent the last few months trying to get over this and was just starting to feel better. She told me she never stopped loving me and the other guy turned out to be a jerk. A month ago I would have taken her back in a heartbeat but I recently met someone I really enjoy and was looking forward to getting to know her better.
I am torn because I would love to believe I could have what I used to have with my ex-girlfriend but I don’t know if I can trust her again. We lived together and she wants to move back in so I have to decide quickly. Randy

Dear Randy,

No, you don’t have to decide quickly, and you shouldn’t. At the very least you should not agree to letting her move in right away. You should tell your ex-girlfriend that you have met someone you are interested in getting to know better and keep going in the direction you were already going. If she is sincere about wanting you back in her life she will respect your decision and give you the time you need. The ball is in your court and it is not your responsibility to provide her with a place to live.
Everyone comes into your life for a reason and the lady you recently met could be there to help you move on.
I think you will find it easier to get over your ex-girlfriend than it will be to trust her again.

April 11, 2016

My Monday biweekly column in the Gazette at http://gazette.com/is-it-time-for-widower-to-put-photos-away/article/1573886

March 28, 2016

My Monday biweekly column in the Gazette at http://gazette.com/dear-donna-splitting-the-check-a-surprise-on-second-date/article/1572980

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