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Dear Donna: July 11, 2018

Posted on: July 12th, 2018

Dear Donna,

I went on a couple of coffee dates with a man I met recently and this past weekend he asked he to join him for dinner.
When our dinner arrived he reached out and grabbed my hand, bowed his head, closed his eyes and said a short prayer. I was still looking at him when he said “Amen” and I think he could tell I was surprised.
He said “I always say a prayer before my meals.” I felt like saying “Well, I don’t.” Instead, I just smiled and the rest of the date was delightful. I think I want to continue to see him and I am not sure how to tell him it makes me feel uncomfortable to pray before a meal. Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Tell him just that, it makes you feel uncomfortable to pray before a meal. You are probably on two different pages when it comes to your belief systems. It might have been more comfortable for you if he let you know before he took your hand and said a prayer that he always prays before a meal. Chances are, he will also be more traditional than you because religion and conformity usually go hand-in-hand.
If the two of you are interested you can go to my website, www.perfectlymatcheddating.com and take the profile test and I will call you with your “scores”. Unless of course you telling him you are uncomfortable praying before a meal is a deal breaker for him. My guess is that it will be, but it is better to know sooner rather than later.

Dear Donna,

I have been dating a lady for close to three months. I like her, but she has been pushing me to be exclusive. While I am not interested in dating anyone else, I am not ready to be exclusive. Since learning this, her level of enthusiasm has diminished and her texts have become less romantic.
She said she feels like she has to step back until we are in the same place and she does not want to become more invested emotionally if I am on the fence. I was having a great time with her, but now I feel like I need to be exclusive or it won’t be the same. Your thoughts? Bill

Dear Bill,

This sounds like emotional blackmail. Trying to persuade someone to be exclusive by changing the flow of the relationship is manipulative and controlling. Tell her you were enjoying the relationship and hoping to see where it might go, but her behavior has changed the flow makes you feel uncomfortable.
Assure her you are not interested in dating anyone else and let her know you need more time to decide if you want to be exclusive.

It is a reasonable request and she should respect it.

Dear Donna: June 29, 2018

Posted on: July 2nd, 2018

Dear Donna,


About three years ago I met a man from an online service and we texted and emailed for months before we met. I really enjoyed the meeting and he seemed to enjoy it too. However, we never got together a second time. Over the last year he has started to text me again but when I text him back and ask if I could call him he did not respond. A few months will go by and he will text me again but still does not want to meet or talk on the phone. I cannot understand why he keeps reaching out to me if he is not interested. Debbie


Dear Debbie,


It does not matter why he is reaching out to you. You should let this go, and for future reference, I strongly encourage you not to invest in getting to know someone through texting. This is a huge mistake that so many people make today and it is such a waste of time and energy. Once a contact has been made you should set a time to meet as soon as possible. Make it a brief meeting, not lunch or dinner, one hour for a cup of coffee. It does not matter how much you have connected with someone through texting, or even talking on the phone. If you meet and there is not a mutual attraction it will not go anywhere and you just saved yourself a lot of time and emotion. Next time he texts you, don’t text back.


Dear Donna,


I have been dating a lady for a month and we have gone out four times. I like her very much but I am not sure we are on the same page as far as where this relationship might go long term. I have asked her to join me for a family get together at my daughter’s home for the 4th of July and she said it was too soon to meet my family. I am disappointed she feels this way because I told my family about her and they are all looking forward to meeting her. Should I take this as a sign that she is not as interested in me as I am in her? Richard


Dear Richard,


I don’t consider my clients to be in a relationship until they have dated for three months. I would encourage you to not be disappointed and respect that she feels it is too soon to meet your family. She probably wants to get to know you better before she meets your family and I agree with her.
Instead of thinking you are in a relationship and wondering if there is long term potential, focus on building a friendship and try not to look too far down the road too soon. She might be equally interested in you but only time will tell. Most people know in the first two to three months.

Dear Donna: June 12, 2018

Posted on: June 12th, 2018

Dear Donna,

I met a lady a month ago and initially I was very excited about her. The first two weeks we saw each other several times a week but she travels with her job and I have not seen her for 10 days. I understand this is a part of her life that I will need to adjust to but I would like more communication from her when she is out of town. I have expressed this to her and she said she will try to do better. She says she is also very excited about getting to know me but her lack of communication when she is out of town makes me wonder if she is as interested in me as I am in her. Steve

Dear Steve,

A month ago you did not even know this person existed and 10 of those days you did not see each other. How excited do you expect her to be at this point? You need to lower your expectations and respect that she is working and she will call you when she can. Go with the flow and leave the ball in her court to call you. That approach will work much better than pushing her to call you and will not make her feel pressured. Wait until she returns and discuss it in person. Try to lighten up, desperation attracts desperation.

Dear Donna,

I am divorced and starting to date again. I am amazed at how many men I have met who have multiple divorces. I have only been married once and I cannot understand how someone can be divorced two, three, four times. I want to eventually be married again but I don’t want to be wife number three, four or five. Should I avoid men who have multiple divorces? Kelly

Dear Kelly,

Unfortunately multiple divorces are very common today. When I got into the dating business 30 years ago if someone was divorced more than once people would wonder what was wrong with that person. The internet changed all that. It has created an environment of serial daters who are always looking for the grass to be greener on the other side. Multiple choices leads to multiple partners, leads to multiple divorces.
You have only been married once so it will feel more compatible to you if a man has also been married just once, but you might be limiting yourself if you eliminate all men who have been divorced more than once. Listen to his story before you make it a show stopper.

Dear Donna, May 28, 2016

Posted on: May 29th, 2018
Dear Donna,

I just spent four months becoming more and more involved with a man who was recently divorced. From the very beginning I told him I thought it was too soon for him to be dating. He was six months divorced from a 25 year marriage. He had not dated but he was confident and adamant that I was the right person for him.

One month after he pledged his undying love for me he told me he does not think he is ready for a serious relationship.

I feel betrayed and lied to and cannot understand why he would do this. How could I have been so wrong? Shannon

Dear Shannon,

You weren’t wrong. You told him “from the very beginning” you thought it was too soon for him to be dating and you were right. However, I would encourage you to not feel “betrayed and lied to”. People who are just out of long term relationships or marriages almost always think they are ready to start dating sooner than they should. He has not dated for at least 25 years. He was no basis of comparison to know he is not ready. It is usually retrospect that people realize they were not as ready as they thought they were. For future reference, a good rule of thumb for when someone is ready to start dating is one month for every year they were in a relationship or marriage. And, of course, there are always exceptions to the rule.

Dear Donna,

I have been dating this gal for a couple of months and occasionally she mentions her past relationships. I have not asked too many questions but I am beginning to wonder how many relationships she has been in and what that says about her. Do you think it is to soon to ask her more about her past relationships? Thomas

Dear Thomas,

The next time she mentions it would be a good time to ask more questions. You can actually learn quite a bit about someone if you ask these questions about their relationship history:

How long has it been since you have been in a serious relationship?

How long did it last?

Who chose to end it?

Do you have any regrets about it ending?

Ask the same questions about the relationship before that one, and before that one, etc.

Then be prepared to answer the same questions in return because she will likely ask you.

50% Off Matchmaking Services Through May 31st!

Posted on: May 23rd, 2018

Dear Donna: May 17th, 2018

Posted on: May 23rd, 2018

Dear Donna,

A man I have been dating for about two months invited me to join him on a trip to San Francisco. I would like to go but we are not intimate and I don’t feel comfortable sharing a room with him. I told him I would love to go but I would want to have my own room. He tried to talk me into a room with two beds but I am not comfortable with that either. He agreed to book another room, and then he asked me to pay for it. I said I would but now I am having second thoughts. Do you think I should pay for my own room? Glenda

Dear Glenda,

I think it is probably too soon to take a trip with him under these circumstances, depending on the expectations each of you might have about this trip. Are you going to be resentful about paying for your room? Is he going to be resentful that you are not willing to share a room with him? Is he thinking there might be intimacy and you are not? The two of you should have a conversation about your expectations and see if they are compatible before you take the trip. Don’t wait until you get to San Francisco to talk about it.

Dear Donna,

Apparently I have fallen in love with a married woman. We have been seeing each other for several months and she never told me she was married. She said I never asked and I didn’t, because there was nothing about her lifestyle that would have indicated to me she was married. She does not have kids and we spent a ton of time together, her place and mine.
Her husband lives in another state and is not a part of her life. She said it was too complicated to get a divorce and neither one of them was motivated to do it. I am not sure how to handle this. Ramon

Dear Ramon,

I think most couples who have been dating for several months and spent “a ton of time together” would have had the conversation about past relationships, and certainly past marriages. I do think it is a little odd that it never came up in conversation but unless it changes the way you feel about her, you don’t have to do anything. If she is also in love with you she might be motivated to do something about it in the future.

What Makes Perfectly Matched Different from Other Dating Services?

Posted on: May 14th, 2018

So what makes your service different from other dating services? I wish I had a dime for every time someone has asked me that question.
Today is a great way to explain how my service is different.

It started with four voice messages left on my answering machine.

The first message was from a client who wanted me to call a man she had dated for just a couple of weeks. They met and saw each other eight times in two weeks and she was very excited about him. He was not feeling the same excitement and started backing off with the phone calls and texting.

She “got it” and decided to move on. However, she had left something at his place and he returned it to her place of employment with a note. She did not want to reconnect with him so she asked me to call him and tell him she appreciated him returning her item and let him know all was well with her and she hoped as was well with him too. I called him and he understands she has no interest to reconnect with him.

The lesson here? The ones that start fast, end fast. Don’t get too excited too quickly about someone you barely know.

Number two: A man who has dated a lady for three months and realizes that her lifestyle is not compatible with his. He wanted to know how he should let her know without hurting her feelings because he thinks she has become very attached to him. I told him to put himself in her place and think about how he would want her to tell him if the situation was reversed. He said “I would want her to be honest with me.” I told him to talk to her in person, no phone call, no email, no text. Three months deserves a face to face conversation.

The lesson here? Whenever you find yourself in a situation where you are unsure of how the other person will react, put yourself in their place and think about how you would want to be treated, and do it in person.

Number three: A female client who met a man who said he was 5’10. She said “He is not 5’10, he is barely my height (5’8). Men are so funny, why do they lie about their height?” Because men know most women prefer tall men, just as women know most men prefer ladies who are not overweight. Therefore, men have a tendency to over estimate their height and women have a tendency to under estimate their weight.

The lesson here? You can only over estimate height or under estimate weight to a point.

Number four: A client met a lady on his own asked her to take the profile test he took to see how her scores compare to his. I scored her test and called him him the differences. They were off in two out of six areas, which can sometimes work, but the two areas they were off in were conformity and religion, which usually go hand-in- hand. She is much more conforming and religious than him. He had already sensed those differences and the test confirmed it.

The lesson here? Stay focused on the importance of compatibility in a relationship.

This is how my phone calls go everyday because I am a Matchmaker and I do more coaching and counseling than matchmaking. My service is very personalized and I really get to know my clients.

It bears repeating once more because I continue to hear from people who confuse my service with a company that started advertising about a year ago in Colorado Springs. Initially they called themselves Colorado Springs Professional Matchmakers, saying they have over 20 years of matchmaking experience in Colorado Springs. They have since changed their name to Colorado Springs Matchmakers.

Google BC Matchmakers, which stands fo British Columbia Matchmakers, and the owner Shane Weisberg to learn more about this company and it’s owner. He is based out of Vancouver, Canada and there is nothing local about him or his company. You can also check out his BBB page in Vancouver which is revoked, and his BBB page in Colorado Springs which has an alert warning on it.

In the 27 years I have been in business this is the third time he has been in Colorado Springs. The first two times were in the 90’s and the mid 2000’s with a now defunct dating service called Together. Each time he lasted about a year.

Take my free profile test and I will personally call you with your scores, or call me at 719-260-1000. Once I meet with you I will know how many matches I have for you.

Dear Donna May 8th, 2018

Posted on: May 8th, 2018

Dear Donna,

 

The man I have dated for a year decided to end our relationship but he wants to remain friends. He says he loves everything about me but he is not feeling the passion he wants to feel.

Do you think it is possible to “just be friends” when a romantic relationship has ended? Sara

 

Dear Sara,

 

Unless the agreement to end the relationship is mutual, it can be difficult and awkward to try to “just be friends”.

The person who chooses to end the relationship usually has an easier time moving on than the person who does not choose to end the relationship, that would be you. Trying to “just be friends” with him will keep you from being emotionally available to move on with someone who WILL feel passion for you.

 

Dear Donna,

 

A lady I have dated for six months keeps reminding how hurt she was in her last relationship. She trusted him and he cheated on her. I told her I have never cheated in a relationship and I never would but I feel like I am being kept at arms length until, what? She believes me or she doesn’t? How long should I wait? Mark

 

Dear Mark,

 

Communication, communication, talk to her. You are guilty by association simply because you are a man. It makes no sense to stay in a relationship with someone who keeps reminding you how much someone else hurt her. Tell her you are sorry she was hurt but that was him, not you. Six months is long enough.

 

Dear Donna April 23rd, 2018

Posted on: April 23rd, 2018

Dear Donna,

I have been dating a lady for almost a year and I feel like she is constantly calling me to task for something I have done that displeases her. I have made some of the adjustments she asked for, like calling more often, taking the initiative to make plans for things to do, but when I asked her about cooking a meal for me she says “cooking is not my thing”.

Frankly, as much as I like her, I am getting a little tired of her knocking the wind out of my sails over one thing after another. Is there a nice way to tell her to knock it off? Tony

 

Dear Tony,

Have you told her you feel like she continues to knock the wind out of your sails? I think it is more important to communicate how you are feeling than trying to be nice about it.

Tell her you don’t like it, and you are going to let her know the next time she does it so you can talk about it when it happens.

Maybe you are being too nice and you need to stand up for yourself and be direct with her, like she is being with you.

 

Dear Donna,

My brother continues to date attractive ladies who need to be rescued financially. He is not the best looking guy and it seems worth it to him to pay for everything they want just to have them in his life.

I am tired of these ladies taking advantage of him and breaking his heart. How can I help him see the light? Tiffany

 

Dear Tiffany,

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Men are very visual and your brother is not the only man with unrealistic physical expectations willing to rescue someone financially to have a pretty lady in his life. A client shared a quote with me recently that you could share with your brother that might make him think about changing his focus.

“If you save a damsel in distress, you will end up with a distressed damsel.”

Dear Donna March 22, 2018

Posted on: March 22nd, 2018

Dear Donna,

How do you learn to trust again? And again? Twice now I have given my heart to two women I truly expected to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I had all my bases covered the second time around and I still got blindsided. Now every time I meet someone and she says what a nice guy I am, or how attractive I am, or how she can’t wait to see me, I think “I’ve heard that before” and it sounds like déjà vu all over again. How do I get past this? Mark

Dear Mark,

I don’t know how long your relationship lasted but basically it takes about one month for every year you were in a relationship to get in the right frame of mind to move one. Of course, the person who chooses to end the relationship usually has an easier time moving on than the person who did not want it to end. Ask yourself if you are in the right frame of mind to meet someone new. Would you want to meet a lady who is in the same place as you are emotionally? You don’t want to make everyone guilty by association the minute they say or do something your ex did, it could be coming from a very different place. You might need some more time before you try to start dating again.

Dear Donna,

I have been dating a man for a few months and I liked that we were taking it slow and getting to know each other as friends. On our last date he told me he thinks we should be exclusive and not date other people. I told him I was not dating anyone else but I am not ready to be exclusive. He said I must not be as interested in him as he is in me and if I cannot agree to being exclusive he wants to stop seeing me. I told him I needed some time to think about it and he told me to call him when I make up my mind. Then he left and I have not heard from him in a week. I am disappointed but reluctant to reach out to him because I still can’t say I want to be exclusive. Should I just let him go? Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Probably. Anyone who puts you in a position of “do this or else” is not being fair, or considerate of your feelings. He drew the line in the sand, left and has not connected with you in a week. I would not reach out to him and if he does not contact you, that’s it. If he does contact you, I suggest you meet personally to discuss it, no texting or email. Eyeball to eyeball and you might both learn something that will benefit you as you continue to date. Your lesson here could be to not allow anyone to put you in a place of “do this or else”.

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